Thirty-Eight. The Five-Second Rule.

Last week our household was paid a visit…but what I mean by that is we were solicited by the people at good ole’ American made Kirby vacuums. If you have never witnessed one of their demonstrations I highly advise it…or against it because you will be both mystified and filled with horror. Through their machine not only does one become visually exposed to all the dust, grime, and filth that lays ahold of one’s carpeted and hardwood floors…but then one is also informed of all of the various illness and disease that can be born of such waste left untreated.

That being said, it is with great pride that I still will eat any dropped food item off the floor.

I have no aversion…. nor even the slightest delay when it comes to picking up the pieces of stir-fry that fell to the ground and enjoying them (perhaps even more so) because of that journey to the grimiest crevices of this rainbow palace that they just partook of. I know probably too good and well where those tomatoes and bell peppers have been, what they have possible contracted, and furthermore how socially unacceptable my pending consumption is… but the fact is that A) I am an impoverished, post-graduate who works for an ever-developing non-profit organization who will eat any and all things given to me and B) To throw away said food items is in stark contrast to my over-arching values of stewardship, Creation care, gratitude, and doing my best to use all of what I take from this earth. To forsake what I know to be true in respect to both my present reality and my on-going understanding of identity to pursue something that could possibly be true in respect to a vacuum salesman and a few Google searches seems a bit counter-intuitive. A bit counter-intuitive and harmful…Because I didn’t state is explicitly before, I hate throwing away food. I REALLY hate throwing away food. It literally feels inhumane when I throw away food.

Obviously I am not just talking about eating food off of the floor here.

I am talking about the human experience, I am talking about my own personal struggle with what it means to try and make sense of this whole spiritual quest to connect with God, to pursue justice, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with Him. I am talking about transitioning to gay-affirming theology and I am talking about pursuing dating. I can read every 400 page defense of the ‘traditional perspective’ against gay relationships that is known to Intervarsity Press, Abingdon Press, Moody Publishers, Harper One Collins, and the list goes on but at the end of the day I just don’t experience the conviction to believe that the ‘gay issue’ is something that the Bible has prescriptively laid out clear cut answers for. Is there good biblical reason to believe that God designed sexual intimacy to be shared between heterosexual couples exclusively? Sure. But just about as much good biblical reason there is to believe that God designed sexual intimacy to be so much more about ‘why’ people were to engage in it versus ‘who’ should. What 7 years of research, conversation, prayer, and meditation affected upon me was a new found appreciation for vulnerability in the faith, for ambiguity, and a need to suspend absolutism when it comes to my understanding of Christian ethics. And how did this come to be? It came to be because even with robust, philosophical, biological, and theological arguments about the need for me to reject my orientation and to hold out for the possibility for ‘change’ or resign myself to involuntary celibacy…the fact was A) I was still gay. Gay as gay could be even having surrendered all of my heart and the whole of my identity upon the person and gospel of Jesus…the gay was just not going to go away and B) To ‘throw away’ my sexuality and to relegate what is different about me and different about so many others to some lesser form of humanity was in stark-contrast to my over-arching values of Image Bearing, of salvation, of adoption, of justice, of equality, of freedom, of inclusion, of acceptance, and ultimately of love. To forsake what I know to be true in respect to both my present reality and my on-going understanding of identity to pursue something that could possibly be true in respect to one (although, yes strong) interpretation of the ancient Scriptures and the limitation of the human mind in reference to theology seemed a bit counter-intuitive. A bit counter-intuitive and harmful…Because I didn’t state is explicitly before, I hate absolutism. I really hate absolutism. It literally feels inhumane for me to buy into the idea that someone can authoritatively determine what is right and what is wrong with no room for the nuances, no room for the particular shades and hues hold those two ends of the spectrum in tension with one another.

Long story short,

I didn’t buy the 3000 dollar vacuum, I eat food off the floor,  and I have a girlfriend.

Thirty-Seven. When I Was In 8th Grade.

Just before my last year of middle school I started my first blog. Much to my great misfortune the internet has carefully archived every entry from that social media experiment and still grants all interested parties the opportunity to browse its deplorable rhetoric that oozed from my fourteen year old mind.

When I tell you that it is bad… I mean that it is literally an ABOMINATION.I cringe with every misguided, narcissistic,  self-righteous, self-pitying, misspelled word I thought was appropriate to use and I can hardly work my way through a single post without feeling mortified.

Even though I would suggest that my former blog may be the most startling and horrifying visual relic of my past it also puts in me in a position of relief;

THANK GOD THAT WE  CAN CHANGE.

That being said

I am VERY apprehensive about contributing more than obscure, non-descript poetry on here. I really love saying what I want to say without having to say it. To this end I have made regular use of both free verse and limerick and it has helped keep me out of trouble and managed to perplex anyone and everyone who wasn’t aware of the precise nature of my internal conflict/various existential hang-ups. I am VERY apprensive about contributing more than obscure, non-descript poetry on here… but I am also interested in taking the risk because of the potential blogging presents for civil discourse, for the exchange of ideas, and for the preservation of time and thought no matter how embarrassing that becomes in my next eight years.